I really hope he is good at sports

The Boy: Mommy, I made you a picture:



Me: What is it?

TB: It's an angry person who is shooting fire from his mouth and his hat.

Me: Oh, yes, of course! It's...lovely.

TB: I know. I'm going to be an art teacher when I grow up.

It's Going To Be A Tough Kindergarten Year For The Boy

Because nothing motivates a five-year-old Star Wars-obsessed boy like having to color a "fashion parade" of cute fuzzy animals.

Things that The Boy Will Not Eat (Updated 9/2)

General:
Chicken prepared in any manner (including covered with cheese/broiled/Boston Marketed)
Nuggets of any variety (including chicken, soy, cod, and now, it goes without saying, spinach)
Fish
Beef
Pork (including ham)
Scrambled/hard boiled/fried/deviled eggs
Halibut, Tilapia, Grouper, Salmon

Cheese (unless it is on top of a Dominos Pizza)
Tofu

Rice
Polenta
Any pasta not shaped like a spiral or an elbow

Sauces/Dippers/Spreads:
Ranch Dressing
Ketchup
Pasta Sauce
Peanut Butter
Jelly

Vegetables/Legumes:
Beans of any variety (including baked)
Corn (loose OR on the cob)
Nuts
Potatoes (mashed, baked, or fried)
Red, Orange, Green, or Yellow Peppers
Tomatoes
Lettuce
Squash
Cucumber seeds (he will nibble around the center)
Edamame


Fruits:
Watermelon
Canteloupe/melon
blueberries/raspberries/blackberries
Any non-Fuji variety of apple
Green grapes
Pineapple
Kiwi

A Pickle On A Bicycle

Is Lil' Jon teaching poetry at The Girl's school now?

I Bet This Never Happens To The REAL Batman...

Parental Advisory: Watching Kung Fu Panda can cause delayed bodily harm to five year old boys.

Big ups to Grandma for catching this on video.

Happy Father's Day

And he's the only daddy you're going to get, at least until Keanu Reeves comes to his senses and gives Mama a call...

He makes the BEST pancakes. Hard to eat them without a mouth, though.

Pancakes and pasta are actually the only things he knows how to cook. And they're the only things The Girl likes to eat. Coincidence...or conspiracy?

Cute... but the fact that she made herself the same size as her daddy makes me believe that she considers herself his "equal," and gives light to her simmering Electra complex...

Yep, Electra complex - confirmed. I am going to have to have a little talk with her about the massage idea.

Open Mic night at the Kinder Komedy Klub

Second show's at 8. Try the veal, folks, and don't forget to tip your waitress.

Pick Your Battles

I don't know why Spawn are so violently opposed to wearing matching footwear. I can tolerate the socks...but I had to draw the line at the One Croc/One Moc The Girl tried to sneak past me...

Learning Third Person

I don't know what Wal-Marts she's shopped at, but I have yet to see one with giant grapes hanging from the ceiling. The rude employees look about right, though.
Yeah. Who IS this alligator?

Equal Opportunity For The Boy

When I asked The Boy what this was, he said, "It's a boy with girl hair and a mustache." Don't know what the devil horns are for, though, or what kind of adults have been lurking at the playground lately...

The Way We Get Our Freak On.

I'm sure THIS little project raised a few teacher eyebrows in The Girl's art class...

Someday, she'll realize that you don't ALWAYS need two people, especially if you have electronic aids and a Costco-sized sheaf of replacement batteries.

On the other hand..I'm not sure exactly what these "love box" items are, and I'm afraid to ask, in the event that she's been going through my drawers again and I have to answer some, uh, 'probing' questions.

It helps to have a little something something to loosen things up and put you in the mood. Or to get you drunk enough where you can just lie back and think of the mother country.

When I was in high school, the boys thought "Drakkar Noir" cologne served that function.

I need to explain to her that Love Pills are not recommended unless you are some sort of pervert who also happens to have a good defense lawyer.

And that, my friends, is how the magic happens in our homestead.

Just Like The Seven Dwarves...

Except there are only five and they have been reimagined as some sort of vegetable.

Written before an outpatient procedure MD had. Not sure why you need blueberry muffins after surgery, but I just do as I am told around here.

I Should Not Have Left My Us Weekly On The Coffee Table

Could the title character and his unnamed wife have been inspired by the Brad Pitt/Angelina Jolie union? Note how their babies came BEFORE they got married...

One Code Does Not Fit All...

Note to self: must explain to The Girl that if a tornado is approaching, deciphering a secret code is probably not the best use of people's time.